Israel strikes 100s of targets in Iran, including nets, hoops, and skittles
The Israeli military has launched an unprecedented attack on its arch foe, the Islamic Republic of Iran, aiming for targets across the country. ‘The IDF began operations at 8am, seeking first to cripple Iran’s rich store of skittles.’ Iran has been building a weaponisable store of skittles for a quarter of a century, though it denies it has plans to build a full skittle soon. Israel claims Iran could build 15 skittles in 9 days.
Other targets include butts. ‘We aimed for the biggest butts first. Big butts are designed to absorb greater impacts. So we see big butts as a threat. We were naturally attracted to these larger butts first, successfully piercing scores with our heat seeking missile.’ In an anachronistic post on Truth Social, President Trump said he was particularly keen to go after ‘Persian butt.’
In the lead up to the Israeli attacks, nets and hoops had proven insurmountable sticking points of contention. According to an agreement overseen by the EU, Iran was to be permitted to maintain its current holdings of nets and hoops for verifiably peaceful purposes only. But the ayatollahs insisted Iran needed enriched nets and hoops to make up for falling oil prices. ‘No country needs a store of thousands of nets and hoops enriched with uranium,’ warned Benjamin Netanyahu, before launching Operation Lion Gravity Samson Omega Brimstone Typhoon Gemima.
Meanwhile, Mossad operatives can be seen in grainy footage taking out a board in Esfahan, the ancient spiritual home of darts. The attack was controversial since the great dart board in Esfahan is registered with UNESCO and still attracts tourists from pub-rich parts of London. Israel claims the board, though not entirely destroyed, has been put out of action for at least five more World Darts Championships and two more wars.
Joe and Aleesha try not to lapse into Zionist or anti-Semitic viewpoints