Bookings to Epstein Island soar as temperatures peak
With balmy temperatures approaching the mid 80s, Epstein island is putting up the ‘no room at the inn’ signs for the third successive holiday season. Bookings at the resort, famed for its association with late financier and art collector Ghislaine Maxwell, are triple the annual norm as the US government plays an enthralling game of cat and mouse with a public demanding it release the so-called Epstein Files.
The files are a complex set of documents that contain a full list of discounts available to visitors to the island. At a time of runaway inflation and a reluctance for long haul flights as special military operations reach the mopping up stages in south eastern Europe, the Middle East, and Dover, the average American cannot wait to get his or her hands on coupons for the various large tiger boutiques and massage rooms that dot the sumptuous Carribean islet.
It’s not just the average Joe Smoe playing at two-week millionairedom either. A veritable who’s-who of celebrities from the world of music and leisure have visited Epstein Island. Said one high end travel agent, ‘My clients prefer to be ghosted into the resort on undocumented private jets. It’s a standard preference to avoid crowds and the prying eyes of the world’s media.’ And for decades the world’s media has quietly played along, allowing pressurised performers and politicians carte blanche to let their hair down without scrutiny.
Activities available at the exclusive end of the island remain hush hush, but are thought to include full-spectrum diddy-isation, assisted underwear application procedures, elephant mounting in the dark, plastic comb whacking, and golf. But the average holidaymaker is unlikely to experience such thrills, as they enjoy pasta at the numerous Greek restaurants cut into the cliff or go whoring. ‘Epstein Island is a land of contrasts,’ added the estate agent. ‘There’s one rule of tourism for them, and one for us.’ Quod est decorum.
Joe and Aleesha on the perpetual unrealeasement of files